


Glomfs and Strindles, or Altean Anatomy 101

by Die_Melodie



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Rituals, Allura's mad flirting skills, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), F/M, Humor, Interspecies Awkwardness, It's basically Gen, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Multi, This was supposed to be porn, now it's just, so basically Allura has a penis, which she doesn't even get to use, with a mention of pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 23:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17395751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Die_Melodie/pseuds/Die_Melodie
Summary: One by one, the team discovers the biggest difference between human and Altean anatomy. Lance is clueless.





	Glomfs and Strindles, or Altean Anatomy 101

**Author's Note:**

> i want it known that this story is saved on my laptop as "lonce wants the d". there might or might not be another file named "lonce gets the d" in the same folder. i don't even know.

PIDGE

On the planet called Glyam (and what kind of a name is that, anyway?), they insist team Voltron has to go through a ceremonial cleansing before anyone can enter the Temple of Old Gods. Apparently, what it means is that everyone has to get naked and wet together.

Allura barely manages to persuade the priests to at least let the girls go through the cleansing first. It’s clear that the Glyam – the Glyamians? whatever – have very different ideas about personal boundaries, but they agree to indulge the request.

The ceremonial cleansing turns out to be a five-minute long shower, during which everyone tries their best not to look at anyone else. Except Keith, who spends the entire time staring at Shiro because dude has got no subtlety at all. Lance only stares a little bit and only when he’s sure no one is watching him. Anyway.

When they are finally let out through the other door and allowed to put on something resembling clothes, Allura and Pidge are already waiting inside the temple. Allura looks thoughtful. Pidge looks a little nauseated. Enough that Hunk immediately goes into mother hen mode. “Are you feeling all right, dude?”

They all watch Pidge flush and stammer out something that sounds like “Yeah.”

Lance, personally, doesn’t think much of it. He would have flushed and stammered too if he got to see Allura naked. That doesn’t quite explain the nauseated expression, but, hey – it might have been a gay epiphany for Pidge. He remembers feeling quite weird when he first caught himself admiring Shiro’s biceps in a slightly non-heterosexual way, and he’s only, like, 30% gay.

So Lance pays it no mind, and they successfully make friends with the Glyam, and even though Pidge keeps giving Allura odd little looks for another week or so, Lance decides to be a tactful friend and not to bring it up.

SHIRO

Another planet, another cultural misunderstanding. The Cresselians, for some reason, decide Allura and Shiro are a married couple, and treat them as such throughout their stay. Allura and Shiro, being smart and discreet as they are, let them think whatever they want.

The Cresselians seem weirdly intense about the concept of marriage and couples in general. They literally don’t go anywhere on their own. Except the bathroom, maybe, but Lance is not volunteering to check.

“This is stupid.” He kicks at the wall that separates Shiro and Allura’s deluxe suite from the room the Cresselians gave him and Keith. There is only one bed, which is somehow not surprising at all. Why couldn’t they have appointed Hunk to be his husband? Then, at least, Lance wouldn’t have to worry about having approximately 17 knives in the bed with them.

Keith says nothing, just glowers.

“Why would they think Allura is married to Shiro, of all people? I mean, she doesn’t treat him any differently than the rest of us, does she?” Lance pauses, a bit of doubt settling in. “Does she?”

“They are our leaders,” it sounds like Keith is speaking through clenched teeth. “That’s all there is to it.”

But Lance’s mind is already sorting through the memories of every interaction Allura has had with Shiro.

“He’s not interested in her, do you think?” Because if Shiro is, that doesn’t bode well. Shiro has the biceps, and the abs, and that ass that can stop traffic. It would only be natural if Allura was interested too, wouldn’t it? They are two beautiful people who deserve each other. And who could be, at this exact moment, figuring out that they deserve each other.

“Shiro is not into women,” Keith says flatly, and the train of his thoughts hits a wall with a bang.

“Oh?” Lance says. He never knew. Apparently, being 30% gay does not qualify one for a functional gaydar. He’d had suspicions about Keith even before the ceremonial shower thing, but Shiro? Not really. Wait.

“Wait,” Lance says. It’s all coming together now, and he can’t believe he missed the signs. “Why didn’t you say anything? I’m sure these guys wouldn’t have minded if it was you two instead of Shiro and Allura.” Then maybe, just maybe, they would have thought Lance was the one married to her. That bit he doesn’t add. And has no chance to, anyway, because Keith flushes bright red and snaps: “Never said he was into _me_ , you moron.”

Lance decides to be a nice and tactful friend – and wow, he’s been doing that a lot lately – and lets that pass.

The night goes by, uneventful, and in the morning, they are ready to head back.

Shiro is reserved on his best days. Right now, he’s suspiciously quiet. And he blushes every time his eyes land on Allura.

Lance wonders if a gay person can have a straight epiphany. A bi epiphany? Could Shiro be, like, 10% straight?

Thankfully, it doesn’t look like Allura reciprocates his confused feelings. Otherwise, Lance is not sure how this entire space soap opera would have played out, what’s with Pidge having a crush on Allura and Keith having 17 knives.

HUNK

After Hunk makes plans with Shay to come visit her on Balmera (and spends the entire week before talking everyone’s ear off about how his space girlfriend is the absolute best), Coran announces that the two of them need to have a talk about the glomfs and the strindles. Being Coran, he announces it in front of everyone. Lance has no idea what a glomf or a strindle is, but he can take a guess.

That evening, Hunk stumbles into the kitchen looking more than a little bit traumatized.

“So, what was that about the glomfs?” Lance asks, and Hunk startles as if he never noticed him sitting at the counter with a plate of goo.

“The glomfs – trust me, you don’t want to know.” Hunk pauses and frowns, looking at him in consideration. Then shakes his head. “No. Nuh-uh. You can ask Coran. You _should_ ask Coran, actually. I’m not discussing that.”

Lance watches him depart before snorting and shoving a forkful of goo into his mouth. Shay is literally an alien made of rock, did Hunk expect her to be exactly the same as Earth women? Honestly.

For a moment, he wonders what it was exactly that Coran explained to him, then decides it’s none of his business.

Surprisingly, Hunk still goes on that trip to Balmera, and returns to the castle looking all smiley and happy. The pervert.

KEITH

Things, of course, can’t go on smoothly forever: sooner or later something is bound to go wrong. In their case, it goes wrong in the form of Allura and Keith getting stranded on a desert planet without their lions or any contact with the team for 13 hours.

They are all losing their minds until Pidge figures out a way to open a small wormhole and stage a rescue mission.

Shiro is the one who goes in, and he keeps up a constant stream of updates for everyone else. He’s got the visual on Keith and Allura. They are safe. They’ve seen him. He’s got them both. Allura is injured, but not critically. They are coming back.

Allura’s wound may not be critical, but Shiro still carries her out of Black in his arms. She’s dressed in her undersuit, one leg of it cut off at the hip and wrapped around her upper thigh as a makeshift bandage. She gives Lance a weak smile at the concerned noise he makes.

“I’ll be well soon. It’s only a cut.”

Nevertheless, she looks pale, and Shiro never sets her down as he carries her to straight to the healing pods. The rest of them trail after, unsure and worried.

As soon as they get Allura into a pod, Keith kind of – flags. Like a balloon when you let all the air out of it.

“You were right on time.” He looks down at his hands, and Lance does, too. The nails are covered in what looks like dried blood. “I thought that hit the femoral artery for sure.” His hands, Lance can’t help noticing, are starting to shake. “Still don’t know how she hasn’t bled out.”

Shiro draws him into a hug, hand against Keith’s hair, and murmurs: “Good thing alien anatomy is not quite like ours.”

At that, Keith chokes out a laugh before burying his head in Shiro’s shoulder. “It’s really not, is it?”

Shiro’s high-pitched giggle is startling. The entire team, with the exception of Lance, shares a slightly hysterical laugh. Lance is not seeing anything funny here at all, but everyone copes differently.

He stays watching over Allura’s pod long after everyone else has trickled out. For some reason, he never really thought of the princess as mortal. The rest of them, yes: he’s been at some point afraid for each and every one of them, but not for Allura. To him, she’s always seemed invulnerable.

Except she’s not really. She’s just as human – humanoid, whatever – as the rest of them are. Her blood is the same color.

Lance doesn’t mean to fall asleep like that, but the next thing he knows, there is a hand touching his shoulder, and Allura is standing over him fully dressed, with her hair down, smiling.

“Have you been here long?”

Fresh out of sleep, he can only mumble something in reply and rub at his eyes.

“I’m safe,” she reaches out a hand to run it through his hair, a gesture so soft Lance wonders if he’s dreamed it. “Thank you, Lance. Go to your room.”

So he does.

LANCE

In hindsight, it’s kind of funny that he is the last one to find out. Even funnier that it takes a year and a half.

This is how it goes: Allura knocks on his door one lovely evening and says: “I’ve been wondering if you could help me with my research?”

And the thing is, Lance is typically the last person anyone asks for help with any kind of research. But it’s Allura.

“I’m not very smart,” he says honestly. “But I’ll try to help.”

“Oh, I think you’re smart,” and while Lance is trying to wrap his head around the compliment, Allura goes for the kill: “It’s about the human anatomy.”

A year ago, Lance would have taken that as a chance to use a bad pick up line. But a lot of things can change in a year.

“Yeah?” he says. “Go on.”

“I have been watching some films,” she says, “and I’m noticing that in your species, only the males seem to have a penis?”

Lance gapes. His first thought is: “what kind of movies have you been watching?”. His second is: “ _only_?”

“Um,” he says, very intellectually. “That’s usually the case, yes. Unless they were born biologically male and, uh – why exactly are you asking?”

“It’s not the same with Alteans,” Allura says, matter-of-fact, and Lance thinks, _oh god. So that’s why everyone was acting so weird._

“Um,” he says again. “So do… Altean females… have a penis?” His brain is already going offline.

“Yes. It enhances sexual pleasure.” Allura frowns. “Well, it’s supposed to. My knowledge is theoretical. You see, Altean males have this little bundle of nerves inside the–“

“Okay, I get it,” Lance says quickly. Then pinches himself, just in case he’s fallen asleep at some point and is now dreaming about Allura telling him that she has a penis which she is supposed to use on males for enhanced sexual pleasure.

“Do I understand this correctly that in your culture, it would be considered -” Allura pauses, visibly searching for a word, “-an abnormality?”

It’s a tricky question. Too tricky for him when all his blood is collected somewhere that’s very much not the brain. Lance licks his lips, and his overactive imagination tells him Allura’s eyes just followed the movement.

“There’s a lot of people who don’t think so,” his voice comes out scratchy, and he coughs. “I mean, there’s also a lot of those who do, but to hell with them, right?”

“Do you?”

She’s looking him straight in the eye, and Lance just knows he’s blushing. He must be tomato red already. It feels like the room is on fire, it’s so hot in here.

“I think it’s hot,” he says. “Princess, are you coming on to me?”

“Um,” Allura says. “Yes?”

Lance licks his lips again. This time she definitely watches.

“Fair warning: I’m not really that kind of a guy. I know, I know, what a surprise, what’s with my reputation and everything, but, uh. You gotta take me out on a date first. You know, like a romantic place and stuff?”

“All right,” she says. “Will you go out on a date with me?”

“Yes,” Lance says. Then adds: “But it’s not because you have a penis. It’s because I like you.”

“Of course,” she says. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> BONUS  
> “So, just wondering,” Lance says casually. “Can Altean females, like, impregnate their males? Or other males in general?”  
> “We can’t,” Allura says. “Unless, of course, you’re Galra, whose genders are a little bit more complicated.”  
> They look at each other for a moment.  
> “Right!” Lance says brightly. “Let’s forget I asked!”


End file.
